Like every other married woman, you never made the decision to enter into marriage to be abused. No married woman or a single woman in a relationship expects to be abused by her husband or boyfriend in any way. Unfortunately, abuse is very common in many marriages across the world. In its simplest form, an abusive husband is one who does not value you. Your presence literally irritates him to a point where he can behave and talk in any way he pleases without considering your feelings and that of the children in case you have them.
Contrary to common belief, an abusive husband is not one who throws abusive words at you. The abusive covers both physical abuse that may involve hitting/shoving you around and psychological or emotional abusive that involves no communication, use of abusive words, manipulation of your senses/feelings and telling of lies among other forms. Living with an abusive husband simply boils down to living with a violent husband. That is what is referred to as domestic violence. Being in an abusive marriage takes a toll on your mind and self-esteem. Indeed, it can take a toll on your health. You simply develop the feeling that you have no control over anything, leading you to become helpless and hopeless.
How do you deal with an abusive husband? Is there a way or ways you can change everything to get your husband back on track? Or is walking out of the marriage the only solution?
1. Assess your Situation
The first thing that should come to your mind when you realize that your husband has become abusive is to analyze in order to understand when, why and how it started. The fact that your husband was initially not abusive makes it necessary that you ascertain what it is that pushed your husband to become abusive. Do have any role in it? The best thing to do should it turn out that he is abusive because of you is to be free, open and apologize for your act of commission or omission. You never got married to walk out of it and it is only appropriate that make it work.However, your life comes first before the marriage. It may turn out that your husband is physically abusive, in which case the best you can do is not to walk away but separate. His physical abuse may be a serious threat to your life and separation may give him time to reflect on the happenings. Indeed, most of the couples who separate after serious physical abusive do come to terms with their faults or lack of it to live together once again happily.
2. Involve Family
Your second step to dealing with an abusive husband should be to involve family close family members. This is especially effective in a case where you are at no fault for your husband’s abuse. A good way to go about it is to talk to both your own family members and his with the aim of letting them in on what you are going through. Although most men are never happy about exposing them to your own family members, the simple fact that close family members from both sides come together because of him will humble your husband. Although most abusive husbands do change after such meetings, you still need to remain alerted for any physical abusive that can be harmful to you.
3. Talk to His Friends
Confiding in your husband’s closest friends should be the next step in dealing with him if he turns out to be abusive to you. However, you need to be very careful about how you go about it because doing so can work against you. Your husband may just turn out to be more abusive. The best way to go about it is to identify his best friend who will never inform your husband that you approached him or her. The fact that he/she knows and understand your husband well should make it easy for him/her to find a clever way of introducing the topic of abusive during their discussions with the aim of taking your husband from it. Such a friend can be a church elder, a colleague or a member your community. Living with an abusive husband may not necessarily mean that he is abusive towards you. The abuse behavior may be directed at either one or all the kids. Whichever the case, you relate directly to the abuse because it affects you.
4. Seek Professional Help
Although any of the above three solutions can work, it may be necessary to seek professional support from a family counselor. Your marriage is not only about you, it is also about the kids in case they are there. Seeking professional help should, in reality, address any issues or problems that make your husband abusive for the benefit of the whole family.
The fact that you made the decision you enter into marriage makes it necessary that you make every effort to make your marriage work whenever challenges arise. This is why it is important that you trace when any form of abuse started and why it continues. Walking away especially when children are involved is never the solution unless it is extreme life-threatening abuse, in which case divorce may be the only solution.
Even so and depending on the reason why your husband has turned abusive, it is good to help him in order to overcome it. His reason(s) for being abusive may have very little to do with you or the children. A little help can go a long way in helping him come to his senses once again for a good and happy marriage.